I am not okay. 

Sometimes I pretend like things are fine. I just write about things that are happy or enjoyable in my life. And when I'm not writing very much, you can be sure that it's because I'm not finding many things happy or enjoyable. 

Since coming back from Korea, I have been having more and more difficulty getting through life. I am anxious to a greater degree, and on top of that, I now have near-crippling depression, hyperventilating panic attacks (my panic attacks before never involved a lot of hyperventilation, so this is new), and possibly worst of all...I am disassociated with my own body. I don't register my physical self anymore. This is very disconcerting, and hard to explain for anyone who has never experienced it. I can't tell anymore when I am hungry or full, my body seems like a separate entity so my reaction time is diminished, and I feel like I can't...feel. 

I am having trouble completing everyday tasks, and I am sad a lot. More than 60% of the time, I am very very sad. 

There is one thing keeping me going, and that is video games. I love stories. I love them. Any and every story-telling medium is an act of beautiful creation. I love books, films, theater, television. But most of all, I love video games. They combine visual story-telling, with written story-telling, with an interactive component that you can't find anywhere else. They are truly unique, and truly limitless. 

I want to make them.